.:<<Complications>>:.

So wow, I haven't updated this journal in like forever (or what seems like forever)... but thats because my past month has been packed with wonderfully fun and delightful things. Okay - I know you don't believe me, so I'll just admit that xanga isn't working so I'm resorting to LJ. No offense, LJ, xanga is just my priority. haha anyways, moving on to bigger and better things...

Graduation is tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day where i wake up early and shower and put on my metallic blue robe and tassel, and walk down the auditorium with about 200 other kids in my grade, and I recieve a diploma and a handshake.  Somehow I don't feel that it's actually real - but that may be due to the fact that I've been at commencement three times before, and as of tomorrow, I will have been at commencement for 4 consecutive years. Dang - that's a long time, right? Why, you may ask. Well that one is thanks to my band dorkiness, and my dedication to my dearly beloved instrument. But seriously, I've been there enough to have officially memorized "Aida" from the Marching Band book. It's quite sad really. But you know, life is just like that. full of repetitions.

The funny thing about high school is that it has such an anti-climatic end. My physics teacher compared the high school experience to walking off a cliff... You work so hard and each year you work harder and harder until you fall off - and then that's it. No heart-warming reward, no giant trophy at the end of the finish line. After four years of increasingly grueling work - it just ends. And I don't know, perhaps thats the weirdest part about it. My Cambridge buddy pointed out that graduation is different because we no longer are able to relive experiences - they just become memories. It was always if you couldn't do it one year - you'd just do it the next year. Or if you weren't able to achieve something one year, you always had the chance ot try again next year. That's how it was. and then all of a sudden - all of those opportunities are closed off? Now what? What's next - after the cliff?

I feel like this is the ending of a chapter of my life . Granted, it probably wansn't the most exciting chapter of my life - but it just was. It existed. And i survived through it (in one piece, might I add), and I'm glad to be moving on to a tech school. It's so weird - I still can't digest the fact that I was accepted into MIT, that the core requirements for every undergraduate involves a series of math and science classes. I can't believe that I have the opportunity to achieve my dream to become an engineer. It's great. I love engineering. I don't know why - but somehow over the past few years I've learned to adore it. Perhaps it was my experience at engineering camp that catalyzed it (I know what you're thinking - "there's such thing as an engineering camp?") but let me tell you - my week at engineering camp changed the rest of my life. From that point on, I had a direction. I felt like I had a purpose in my life. And I had a goal.

The only difficulty about these next four years is not goign to be "finding who I am" or "discovering myself" or some type of crap like that. My greatest challenge will be finding what I want to do for the rest of my life. What I love, what I will love doing, and finding the perfect passion. My heart will guide me to whatever path I need to take next, and I know the most important thing to me is finding something I truly love to do for a living. I want to get paid for something I love to do, rather than be paid for something I am reluctant to do. Money is not the most important factor in my life - my happiness. And as you well know, Money can't buy happiness.

However, for everything else, there's Visa Mastercard.

LIfe is filled with so many complications. Sometimes I think I need to just step out of this turtle shell and look at things from a new perspective. But I feel like I'm so lost in myself - that I've forgotten how to open my eyes again. But the sad part is, no one is there to help me this time.

I'm totally immersed in myself. And I can't change a damn thing.

So instead, I just sit at home, staring at the stats for the  2007 Toyota Prius. I want it so badly.

time is creeping behind me
surrounding around me
claiming the words so desperately
now give me a reason that i can believe in
time is something you cant rewind

I feel as if time is whirling past me like a tornado, and close my eyes and stumble forward to greet the dirt-filtrated gusts of wind in my face. Caught behind this overwhemlingly tall brick wall, I am gazing through the window behind closed bars, and somehow I desperately cry out for a voice. A voice to guide me, a voice to help me make the right decisions. A voice that wil guide me, blinded and deaf, around the potholes and obstacles in life. I know that life isn't always going to be easy. And while the rewards may be gratifying, I know that what lies ahead in order to achieve the rewards will be hard and difficult. 

But really, I don't think im actually intimidated by what lies ahead. No. I'm phased out as it is, and I know whats ahead - I'm expecting it, and I'm expecting to collide with it head-on. No. What scares me the most is the possibility of making new friendships, and the possibility of losing the potential of old ones. Love is often a fickle subject - its quite delicate and any slipup could scar the heart for life. For the past two years I've kept in contact with him, and we've been on very good terms. Now, I don't know whether it was out of pity, out of sympathy, or out of pure genuine generosity, but I just know that we've been close. And his signals are so confusing - so I don't know what to make of them. I don't know whether to live in this little fantasy world, or just dunk my head into a bathtub and wake up. I don't know if he really is just subtle and whether we still have something real, or whether all of this is just make up in my head. Infatuation, he called it. Maybe it was the fantasies and the false illusions that kept my spirits high for the past 2 years. Living in my own world, Isolated from everyone else, I often led myself to believe that there was still hope for something more. Whenever I see him, I feel that same intense connection we had two years ago. But yet, at the same time, the more frequently I see him, I realize that I am stable and that I have the ability to move on. I think i do- since the thought of the past doesn't bring me to tears anymore. I think I am growing stronger each and every time I see him, but I'm still taking baby steps, when I need to still make leaps before I am ready.

I don't know what to do about it. Maybe, once again, I am exaggerating this and blowing this up way out of proportion. Perhaps there is something between us - I don't think I'll ever find out. I just know that sooner or later, realistically, I'll probably have to move on and, deal with it. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to forget just yet. I don't know if I'll have the courage to move on. I don't know if I'm ready to face to truth - and at this point, I don't know if that'll ever happen. But I want to figure this out soon.

I want to finally make a decision because now we are going to the same school. The renewed hope that flashes in my mind, bringing me back to old conversations of the "unlikeliness of ever meeting again unless we go to the same university." We knew back then that the odds of that happening were slim. But it happened. And now we have the opportunity to attempt to form a relationship that we didn't have the opportunity to form two years ago. But now, we're not sure if we want to do that. I'm not sure if I want to, because I'm not sure if he wants to. But now that I'm stuck in this sticky situtaion, I guess the next question is, now what?

And I say
I say goodbye to you 
I say hi to you
Wthout a clue its about time 
That i make up my mind

It's the last day before school starts again, and I feel like I needed to try something new, rather than just checking facebook about 20,000 times a day. haha boredem is really cured by facebook... but maybe its not always the best cure. anyways, i figured i needed a new change of scene and im just like 'hey why dont i update LJ since like 3 people read it?' haha seriously. its okay though. i think sometimes its just much friendlier than xanga.

so im going to MIT this weekend (thursday - sat) and im going to live with my host who lives in Burton Conner. For those of you who know my situation, you can laugh with me. for those of you who dont, just be happy that i get to live in a awesome dorm. It's been practically a dream for the past month, especially since i've been obsessing over this school or the past, i dont know, 3 years. Seriously. Ever since I found out about this school I've been insane over. I love every aspect of it. I love the work, i love the play, i love the friends, and most importantly, the lack of sleep. It's basically nerd heaven - and although people have been telling me for the past 3 years that I'll get in... I haven't been so personally confident myself.

So obviously you can imagine when I got the acceptance decision online, I was literally screaming and hopping around my house for about 4 hours. 

But I mean other than 'dreams coming true,' I have to remember not to lose focus of my life, and continue to strive and work hard. That's basically my mantra of life - work hard, play hard, and everything will pay off. I believe in karma - that what goes around will come around. So that's why I work hard, but I know that I will be satisfied with my personal accomplishments... and sometimes I'm just fortunate enough to be accompanied by material gains as well. But those awards and those scholarships don't mean anything if theyre not following all of my painstaking efforts. I love being an academic masochist, and no one can tell me otherwise. Although, in the long run, I'm not sure if it's going to shorten my life in the long run. Oh well.

I talk about life, and dreams, and accomplishments because I am tremendously fortunate to achieve my dreams (or some of them). Some others, I know, are not so lucky. So I sincerely hope the best for them, and I just really hope that the acknowledge that a college doesn't define who they are. One is never defined by a number, a name, a label, or a statistic. A person should be judged on what he or she believes in, what he or she does, or most importantly, whether he or she values what they do. We are so blessed in so many ways that we tend to overlook the small miracles everyday. And obviously there are more important things than getting into Harvard/Princeton/Yale and there are greater things than being valedictorian or some contest winner. Sometimes you just have to dive head-first into a pool of sharks and just pray that you'll come out alive. And if you have, you'll know that you did the best you can. Survival of the fittest, and whether you're first or last, you're still a survivor. And I applaud you for your efforts.

Life is too short to give up on it. We have to cherish every moment, and endure obstacles in order to understand the true value behind positive experiences. We can't be grateful for something if we don't know how it feels to be without it. So thus, if you do endure difficult times... just know that in the long run, you can only become stronger because of it.

The other day I was talking to a friend, and he was telling me that once of his friends got into an awesome college. He also told me that he was black, but he was really talented and worked hard and deserved the spot as much as anyone else. Now, when I first asked him about his friend, I had only asked whether the friend was a girl or a guy, because most of my friends accepted in that tech school were girls so far, and I wanted to see if more guys had gotten in that I had initially thought, you know, to dispell that idea that only girls could get into that school.
 

But then I realized, as my friend was describing this 'awesome' student, I realize that he was also trying to explain that although he was black, he was still just as qualified as anyone else. I'm sure if that kid was not African American, he would not have rationalized his statements as much. I mean, personally, affirmative action was not the first thing that came to mind. When I hear that someone has been accepted into an amazing college, the first assumption that i make is that he or she is smart. I've personally known so many minorities that got into colleges, and so many minorities that have been rejected from most IVY leagues that I know that affirmative action is definitely not the only determining factor for college admissions. 

However, I think that the problem lies in the fact that there is a greater emphasis on Affirmative Action than there should be. Affirmative Action comes into play when two students basically have identical transcripts, identical activities, and are both qualified equally, yet one is 'majority' and one is 'minority.' I mean, its just a statement that tells the generally caucasian admissions officers that they should accept the 'minority' person because of a) diversity and b) Affirmative Action. So, although being an minority generally means that you have a greater chance, its not the definitive chance that you will get into college. Basically, it's like having a smaller pool to compete against, you know? People aren't accepted solely on their race or gender. If you dont have the qualifications to be accepted into that college, you will not get in, whether you're white, black, yellow, red, green ,or purple. 

I feel that so many people put such an emphasis on minority 'advantages' that people tend to forget that college admissions people are not stupid. They recognize those who suffer from a poor socioeconomic background, and realize that that individual may not have had as many Princeton Review courses as the rich white kid in some snotty rich town. They might recognize that fewer qualifiied women apply to tech schools than qualified men. Honestly, from my experience, the people that get into the top-notch colleges must have some merit to back up their numerous accomplishments and expendable efforts into their passions and whatnot. I feel that people tend to forget that there's something more to the skin color or gender of a person... and forget to look inside at one's soul. We forget the aspiring physicist or civil engineer, we forget the insane writer who is determined that comptemporary literature is the way to be. We forget the abstract artist, the perfectionist musician, the diligent athlete or the freak who knows everything to know about history. College admissions is a brutal process because not only we become dehumanized, we also become a mere statistic. That is why that we should not forget that in the long run, we are not numbers and that we are people. We are individuals with a passion, with a desire to change the world or affect someone's life. To become role models or to learn from role models. In the long run, admissions or rejections don't change who we are. 

You want to know whos the biggest influence in your life? It's simple. Look into a mirror. Look inside yourself. And what you see, no statistic or college letter will be able to see. And that, my friends, is fact.

Karma. What comes around goes around.

=)

so JSHS was pretty awesome today. I mean I only had to go in the pouring rain, but its okay I got to chat with Robert Kim on the bus... haha he is the typical nice well-mannered poster asian child. But thats okay. So am I, i think. Anyways... it was good company. Oh! and I found out that I was mentioned in the Korean newspaper...but it's only funny b/c a) I'm NOT Korean... and b) Robert (a real Korean) was not mentioned in it. Strange world.

Anyways, other than reminescing and running into like EVERYONE from Stony Brook, I enjoyed myself, and I tortured Victoria enough. *insert evil laugh*

Vicky: okay, i have to get back to my teacher, or else he'll think that I was abducted...
Me: What? he'll think that you're seductive?
Vicky: (-________-)' 

Victoria = Love.

P.S. Mr. Cataliotti wrote a card back in response to my birthday card to him! yay!

It sucks to be modest sometimes. To not brag, to not wave around achievements like they're all miracles for everyone to admire. To not build expectations for yourself that society would expect you to fulfill. But what happens when you get those achievements? You get totally ignored and no one appreciates your merits because they don't think that you deserve them. You're not at the top of the class; you will always be second-best, and consequently, second-rate. Your name will never come first to mind, you will never be recognized for all the hard work you have done, and you will never be put on a pedestal with those people you have achieved the same goals and merits with. But of course, you will befriend those people; you will talk to them, and they will know who you are because they know what you have done. You can relate to them. Sometimes. But the common person will never believe that you are up there with them because you will always be caught in the shadow of the pedestal. And you will sigh as the world steps all over you, and you simply just step back and fade away with the backdrop.

There comes a point in everyone's life where he or she must make a decision: to follow through with what he believes is better for him (the choice that society looks upon generally as good), or to follow through with an unfullfilled passion with the intent of maintaining it for the sake of doing it. And then, he becomes stuck between two choices.

There is common misconception that these two choices must always oppose each other. Society tells us that it is better to strive for an academic goal and a economically better goal because it raises our position in life. But think about it. If everyone were to strive to become doctors, lawyers, bankers, politicians, or even the president of the united states because of the money and power involved, our society would be pretty messed up. We wouldn't have those eccentric painters or writers that provide with the guilty pleasure of originality, creativity and change. We wouldn't have efficient garbagemen or waitresses or store managers who really enjoy what they do. Some people simply lack the motivation or the 'talent' involved with manipulating and cheating people in politics. But that's okay. Because contrary to what standards society imposes on us, not all of us are going to meet the bar.

The problem lies in that parents push their children too much. Sure, it' s okay to teach a child that he or she should be diligent and cunning. But if that child isn't too bright, or if he simply lacks the motivation to move ahead in life, there will definitely be an occupation that fits him well. Sure, he may not own Microsoft, but he may as well use his talents to be an amazing airport manager, because thats what we need right now more than any corporation owner or whatnot. Our society seems to simply discourage or look down up such occupations, and I don't know whether it is because we live with capitalist principles or that's just the way evolution works, but I know, deep inside, that it is wrong. We should not shun the common person for living a decent life and really enjoying what they do. The problem is tha when we think of survival of the fittest, we tend to believe that it is always the person with the most money who is successful. I beg to differ.

There's something special about genuinely enjoying your own occupation. Or whatever it is that you choose to do. I mean, loving what you do is the key to happiness; if you are simply doing something because you think it'll make it you happier in the future - you are completely wrong. If you believe you sacrafice your time, your efforts, and all that jazz... for 'happiness,' then you're a complete joke. Ever hear of the phrase, "the ends justify the means?" Yea, there's actually a meaning behind it. The phrase wisely tells us that what we achieve is only as big as how much effort we put into achieving the goal. But frankly, if we don't enjoy the experience of getting there... then it wouldn't be worthwhile goal. But then again, not all people value the idea of working hard and suffering a little bit when considering an 'enjoyable experience.' I don't know. maybe i'm a little bit more masochistic than everyone else.

The point of the matter is, we shouldn't base our decisions on what we plan to do based upon what we think will make us richer, or better off on life. There's a lot of power in being great, even awesome, at what you do best. It may not necessarily be Secretary of State (though we honestly need a better one of those) or President (yup, we need another one of those too), but it may be the common man that has the most power. After all, our country is based upon the decisions of common man, to an extent, because our happiness is important to those close to us. Unless you enjoy being masochistic, you shouldn't try to sacrafice most of your life to get maybe a position or millions of dollars. As long as you're living, why don't you enjoy life as it passes by? Stop and smell the flowers every once in a while. Because maybe 10 years from that moment you stopped and realized that happiness and satisfaction with self was more important thatn withering away with numbers, you might have made the best decision of yourself. I'm not saying that you should change your expectations or anything. Sure, strive only for the best! But perhaps, you should look and them and change them so they are more realistic. Because its when we make unrealistic expectations that we fall the greatest.

So they're these flyers for a meeting thing about facebook... there is apparently an increasing concern that facebook may influence college admissions decisions? You know, like with myspace, and xanga, and other forms of stalker-friendly websites. Anyways, the main issue is whether these sites affect college admissions.

So I'm walking around school and these flyers are like "Can Facebook Effect College Admissions?" I first looked at it, and then instantaneously took a double-take. And then I started laughing. And somehow I think to myself "I don't think facebook is the main issue here, I believe its the degradation of student's grammatical abilities." Seriously, if one can't differentiate between effect and affect.... colleges will probably not like that, facebook or not.

It's like, so many kids are worried about how facebook will affect this or myspace will affect that. You have to remember, though, that there probably is some relationship to kids that spend their entire lives on facebook and lack of studying. I mean, if you lack the motivation to study and want to be on facebook, be my guest. But its the fact that you post revealing pictures of yourself on your site with you either doing illegal stuff or disgusting stuff that may hurt you. To some, facebook would never hurt them. Because those kids don't get into situations that could be potentially dangerous for them. Facebook in itself is not actually a bad idea, its just that the information kids choose to reveal about themselves via facebook that actually hurts. And obviously, if you have the guts to show that world that's who you really are, then why shouldn't college admissions look into that to? Are they the select few that shouldn't see that you like to drink underage at house parties on the weekend? Why not? They are, evaluating you as a person and should be entitled the information about you, especially infomation that YOU took the libertly to post about yourself! If you have absolutely nothing to hide from colleges, then you would have nothing to be afraid of. Colleges are supposed to accept you for who you are right? So why do you care if colleges take the intiative to find a little bit more about you? It's not their fault that they want to know more about the people that they accept. What you do reflects who you are, and colleges or not, I don't think you would change who you are because of it.

To a certain point, however, I'm sure that are other extraneous factors in addtion to these websites. I mean, the expectations of Great Neck North parents are that "my kid is going to Harvard/Princeton/Yale and no one is going to tell me otherwise." Seriously, some parents just need to understand- a kid witha 1800 SAT score and a 85 gpa is probably not going to get into IVY league schools. I don't know. Just a hunch.... I mean my point is that parents have unrealistic expectations for their kids. Don't they want their kids to simply be happy a college where they'd be able to academically challenge themselves and enjoy the next four years of life? The reason the top schools ARE, in fact, the top schools, is because the kids that go there are simply brilliant. It happens that the college admissions recognizes talent and intelligence when they see it - so sue them. Getting into Harvard doesn't guarantee you a $70,000 job offer after college. If you kid is a lazy bum, he will always be a lazy bum. It doens't matter what college that person goes to - they might as well go to a more reasonable college that fits them, rather than go to an unreasonably difficult college that they cannot handle. I mean, people really have to recognize their limitations. I'm sure that going to a good college and being successful is somewhat related, but honestly, when it comes down to it, its the individual's work ethic and attitude that ultimately determines his or her success.

So, in order to sum this up without an excessively redundant PTSA meeting, I'm here to affirm that there are some more vital factors that are considered that are (*gasp*) more important than facebook.